I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
