I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize