I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
