Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
