if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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