My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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