Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
