Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
