The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He passed out mid-signature
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
