She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
