I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize