Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
