Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
