dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
