Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
