the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
