cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
