You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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