Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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