using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
