I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
