sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
