my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
