Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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