I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
