I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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