I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
