she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
