id be glad to
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
