While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize