we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
