I wish I could teleport
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You ate ashes out of my bong
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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