how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize