so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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