I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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