Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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