I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
