We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
