I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize