I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
