Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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