I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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