Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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