I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
