I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
