and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
