DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
