Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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