I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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