Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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