So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
