just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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