I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
