her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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